More akin to burning sensation terrorizing your lowers than anything warm and fuzzy heating your cockles; the holiday season brings with it a deep, winding guilt that drives through your nervous system like voltage from a recently charged electric fence through Tim Murphy.
Not only are you socially required to spend money on gifts for loved ones, but you must put aside your own drooling desires to do so. So here we are. Another holiday season, another great slate of laptops already on sale that I would love to buy to replace this aging chunk of plastic that is barely able to maintain Windows 10 without crashing.
Regardless, the internet is window shopping without having to interact with strangers, so I’ve compiled a list of laptops I’d like to buy, but can’t, because if I gift everyone used books again this season I’m not going to make it to 2020.
The first one on my list is this hella good sale at Walmart, which is as tempting to me as free prosciutto outside a butcher shop on a particularly cold, salty day. It’s this Legion by Lenovo gaming laptop. It’s only $849 at Walmart and comes stacked with 16GB RAM, the Nvidia GeForce GTX 1660Ti 6GB graphics card and both a 256GB SSD drive and a 1TB hard drive. That’s a crazy good price, but sadly I have to allocate a few hundred dollars towards my ungrateful children, who will surely scoff at the Bob Evans gift cards of increasing value they receive each night of Hanukkah.
Next up might seem like something I can afford, but I committed to buying my mom at least several bags of loose electrical wire and shards of glass for her art projects. It’s super cheap too and I usually buy these laptops refurbished whenever I can. You might not think much of it, but this $199.99 Lenovo IdeaPad 13OS with a mere 4GB of RAM and a 64GB eMMC drive is a handy machine. Think about it. Either as a quick fix for a school laptop for primary school aged kids (they don’t need a beast machine til college) or just as your living room laptop for quick story edits because you are too old to compose in WordPress on your phone.
Back to Walmart for the well reviewed and currently on sale for $999 (down from $1,399) HP Omen gaming laptop. If you can’t tell by now, I want a new gaming laptop. Mine currently doesn’t exist. It also contains the Nvidia GTX 1660Ti graphics card, as well as 16GB of RAM. It also comes with a headset and mouse, rainbow back-lit keyboard and these weird hinges on the monitor that I’d probably end up breaking anyway.
My primary laptop used to be a first generation Lenovo Yoga touchscreen laptop. You know, the type that flipped over so I could stand it up like a tent for no good reason? Earlier this year I tripped over the power cable and smashed the power connector. In the process of fixing, I knocked it off the table and it destroyed several interior cable connections and the keyboard. Sadly, I retired it. It has served its due. Yet, I still long for that flipping of the screen, as well as some touchscreen action.
My eMMC laptop does not have a touchscreen, and no matter how many times I poke at it, neither does my 32-inch monitor hooked up to my PC. So yeah, I would really like to buy this Lenovo Yoga Pro Build 15.6 touchscreen 2-in-1 currently on sale at Newegg for $649. It’s not too stacked, running Intel i5-7200U and 8GB DDR4 memory, but it has a 256GB SSD drive (harder to break) and a back-lit keyboard. And it flips over. For flipping reasons.
It should be noted, as I finish out this wish list with one final laptop there’s no way I could afford, that I have a pile of no less than four outmoded and broken laptops that I don’t know what to do with. Perhaps I should stop spending money on these things and just carry around my PC.
Should that pile ever disappear as well as my annual obligation to purchase birthday and holiday gifts for my family unhappy with sharing a case of family size Fritos bags, then I’m getting this Asus ROG Strix SCAR II gaming laptop. With a 17.3-inch screen in full HD, an Intel Core i7-8750H processor, 16GB DDR4 RAM, 512GB PCle SSD and the Nvidia GeForce RTX 2070 8 GB graphics card, this thing would enable me to fully withdraw from society and just play Call of Duty: Modern Warfare online until I either hit rank 99 or die. It’s also on sale at Newegg for $1,780.99 or in terms I can understand, much more than my rent but less than renting a sleeping bag stuffed inside an air vent in San Francisco.
You might be wondering why the new Apple MacBook Pro 16-inch isn’t on this list. Well, I’m a PC, not a Mac. So I don’t care.
The holidays are all about giving. And probably receiving. The point is, when is the holiday when I can ignore everyone else and just spend all that money on myself? Is it selfish? Maybe. But none of these cheap fools are going to buy me a new laptop. Who knows, maybe I’ll get enough Walmart gift cards to make it happen. It is the season of unreasonable wishes and expectations after all.